I left my Mask back in Venice ..

Masks... This idea of double realities has been on my mind all throughout this weekend, and I remember clearly that it was also on mind all throughout last year when I lived in Venice; a city known for its two-faceted beauty. A city of masks..
I thought of masks this weekend and lingered at the thought of performances. I was reminded of the saying of how the world was indeed a stage, and we are merely actors in it.

A pleasant conversation, that is how it started. A wooden floor where my feet touched every now and then in an awkward attempt to stay grounded. I lifted my feet eventually and crawled up on a dark grey couch.  A pleasant conversation that ended up with a flattering accusation. You know those? The compliments that could easily be twisted in the heart of your mind to accusations. I was told I was a good story-teller; you know the ones you encounter in parties and gather around. The ones that steal all the stars at night and become the centre of light. I was told I was 'always' a story-teller, never the occasional bystander, or the one with feet on the ground. I then lowered my red-manicured feet to touch the wooden floor, only to lift them up again.

I was also told that I was a dreamer, and that the mask I was wearing, was wearing off. I was told all of these and more in one sentence, maybe they were two. I teared a little at the fear of being the party entertainer, and laughed more at the audacity of it all.

How can one not see the great big eyes? How can one miss the huzun that is in my trembling thin lips when I speak of life, home, love and God? How can mistake my laughter with jokes, and miss all the the efforts of reconciliation? How can one not love the contradictions of attempted veils and chocolate-covered almonds next to my training gloves? How can one not understand the complexities behind a gentle smile hiding behind it stories of stolen homes and broken hearts?

And all those implications behind those kind little gestures, how does one mistake them for performances? When has it become that kindness and tenderness are difficult to fathom, and cold shoulders are the norm? What happened to all the lovely cushions that cover our insecurities?
Where is that fascination of her husky voice at night? The night that sees the end of all alleged performances, and signals the beginning of her surrender.

Masks are beautiful, and to pretend that we don't all wear different ones everyday is exhausting. We all perfected wearing our masks, that we hardly notice them anymore. We are the polite, we are the courteous, we are the brave, and we are the happy. Masks! They are all masks.
I left my mask along with a hundred others in Venice long before we had this conversation. I no longer perform any roles but mine, and I lost the script of my life that night in London, when I whispered Hamdula and ran away from my solace and the bench that witnessed the end of who I used to be.

Scene II ends.//

At first, there was one.. Then there were too many. Reconcile my love, there will be only one at the end.

Just one thought for now | The Venice Diaries

 

Its been more than 50 days in Venezia, my new home for this year. A city so beautiful that at some point you realise that your attempts at capturing its beauty on camera are futile; Photos will not immortalise these visual masterpieces. A city so different from everything else you have known, a feeling that pushes you to renegotiate everything you learnt about living in cities around the world.

Venezia is not Dubai, not London, and Venezia is certainly not Baghdad. I found solace in cities I have lived in before in their streets that smell like home, platters of food from cuisines similar to mother’s cooking, but here, I found no traces that I can cling on. A stranger in a city filled with strangers from around the world. Thousands of tourists flock this city during the day almost paralysing mobility on the narrow calles “alleys”; you cannot walk, and you cannot avoid being the random stranger in someone else’s photographed memories.

When I first arrived I was overwhelmed with the opening of the exhibition I have been working on for the past 6 months that I missed out on the tiny detail of me moving into another city, changing locations and addresses. At first, I caught myself rushing to capture photos of the different yet similar canals around the city and stealing glances at major landmarks in the hopes of making the best out of my time, but as soon as the exhibition opened, and the work slowed down, I realized that I was indeed not in a hurry to be a tourist in Venice because I was simply not one.  

At first, Dubai did not leave me. I found myself waking up almost every morning worrying that I have overslept, miscalculated the time it will take me to reach work, worried about traffic and other things metropolis. It is a strange process to divorce your senses from elements that you cannot control; traffic, car accidents, and half-empty petrol tanks , to be faced with the reality that your body is now under your control, completely. A funny and scary process at times; there is no valid excuse for not showing up anymore.

I am still trying to understand the city I call home today, coming up with different theories on what it represents, what It feels like, how it marks me.. Several conclusions rushed to my head in the first two weeks of my time here, one that was evident is that Venice is not a city for the lonely hearts. I never really perceived Venice to be romantic, in fact, I think it is the complete opposite of that, a city so busy with tourists blocking your way most of the time, that there is seldom any romance left for the others. Gondolas are public, expensive and for someone like me with serious motion sickness, they are not ideal.

Still, Venice at night is something else. The tourists leave, the locals sleep and then there are people like me, wandering but not lost, looking around, breathing in the moist, the breeze and the silence. It becomes so quite that you can hear your own breath as you sigh for relief walking in one of its narrow alleys. You see your moon shadow, you know the one we lost in our rush to kill the moon.  You feel human again, with a city built with human dimensions in mind; you are no longer small.

And yet, there is this underlying overwhelming sense that you are a burden walking in this city alone. The alleys were created narrow enough to fit one person at times, but mostly wide enough for two people to walk together. Alleys are intimate, and your shadow is not intimate enough.

And it is because of that that I feel Venice is the perfect place for me to be in right now. I am a girl with a lonely heart, and this heart needs to be challenged in a city that strives to counter all of my heart’s arguments on the beauty of beating on its own.

And in the words of Henry James who argued that:

The deposed, the defeated, the disenchanted, the wounded, or even only the bored, have seemed to find there something that no other place could give. But such people came for themselves, as we seem to see them - only with the egotism of their grievances and the vanity of their hopes.

There is so much to write about, nothing new, nothing you have not heard before about the city, and no new visual discoveries that have not been exploited in souvenir shops. No, but there is Mariam in Venice, and that is certainly new.